I am fat, I am old and I am unhip.  Even so, I see people committing horrendous fashion faux pas all the time. While I may not know how to dress “cool” in the warmer months, I certainly know some things to avoid.  Let’s take a look:

1Utility Sandals

There is no excuse; none.  Yet, the very fact that companies still make them suggests that too many people are still wearing them. Do not wear utility sandals; or even worse, be that guy in utility sandals AND SOCKS.

2Denim Shorts (Men Specifically)

This one is a little less obvious. A lot of people still rock denim shorts and see no issue with it, however, just like full length denim there are a ton of variables to consider. No one wants to be the #NTDenim guys and when it comes to denim shorts there is even more room for error. Unless you are a denim connoisseur (a “denim whisperer” – if you will), just don’t try it.

Bonus points: don’t wear a belt with your shorts.

3Visors

While sneakers from 1996 may very much still be cool, wearing that visor you rocked back in middle school definitely is not. Just wear a whole hat. Why did we ever not just wear a whole hat?

4Superfluous Wristbands

Another mid-90s look that some just will not let go. While a wristband may not look ridiculous while you are enjoying some warm weather actives (outdoor basketball for example) it does look incredibly ridiculous when you’re just walking through the mall.  Extra ridiculous when worn in even less useful, “cool” positions.

5Beach Bar T-Shirts

The “Whoa dude, I’m so drunk” look is never cool. Even sober, a beach bar t-shirt screams “I’m cool – REALLY! – I am – I drink!” Don’t be that guy.

6Hawaiian Shirts

While must of our readers are too young to believe me, there actually was a time that Hawaiian shirts were very hip. I remember my middle school hallways filled with different color floral, silky, prints. Unfortunately, not everyone has donated them to Goodwill.

7Colored Aviator Sunglasses

I almost said Aviator sunglasses as a whole but I bet some people, with the right face shape, would disagree. I think we all know to avoid the bright colored, gradient colored and mirror colored variants though – right? Please guys, tell me you knew these were uncool. Lie to me if you have to.

 

8Water Shoes

If you are on vacation on the rocky beaches of southern France you get pass, otherwise? NAH BRO.

9Corny “Phrase” Shirts

You know what I mean. Every single Summer some pop culture phrase, song lyric, hashtag or otherwise quotable group of words gets turned into a t-shirt fad. Just skip to the part where you feel ashamed for having ever bought the shirt – and no, you can’t even wear them “ironically.”

10Anything Airbrushed

The warmer it gets the more body-odor rancid, sand-covered dudes will offer to airbrush your clothing for $10. Do not give into their marijuana-breath, stale beer scented charm. Nothing they can airbrush on anything you own, or anything they want to sell you, will ever be cool.

Bonus points: whether your hat is airbrushed or not, take the damn stickers off it.

 

Follow these simple rules this Spring/Summer; while I can not promise that you will become a swag-master, I can promise you that you will reduce the number of people pointing and laughing at you.