Words: Stephon Anderson
Who doesn’t love movies? I mean, with the long lines for highly anticipated movies, overpriced food and extremely cold theaters, who could resist, right? Well, regardless of the small nuances we face when hitting up the big screen, one thing remains constant. Movies are amazing and only getting better (Wesley Morris is rolling over his grave – Juan). They are also touching on a much wider array of stories and topics, which brings me to my point. Why hasn’t the sneaker community gotten a legit box office movie? We’ve got the stories and definitely the following so what’s up Hollywood? Well, to get the train rolling I have put together a list of 10 Great Movies That Could Use A Sneaker Remake. Let’s get to it…
*It’s not real, calm down, Jordan heads…
Sneaker Flick Rename: Elysium (Way to go out on a limb with that one, dude – Juan)
Elysium was basically a movie about wealthy people versus everyone else. The wealthy live in a man-made space station with everything they could ever need while everyone else struggles on an abandoned earth. Finally, some guy (Matt Damon) decides to go up there and give him a piece of his mind and save his life.
Our version of this movie would be pretty similar. Only instead of the wealthy having all they need and Matt Damon, we’d have Ricky. Ricky would be a pissed off sneakerhead that’s pretty upset that in the year 2154, the top sneaker brands only supply kicks to the wealthy inhabitants of the good ol’ space station in the sky. Not only is Ricky pissed but he will do anything needed to get up there and get a pair of new kicks he’s waited years for.
2World War Z (2013)
Sneaker Flick Rename: World War 3s
If you haven’t seen this movie yet, it’s not terrible. After keeping the actual threat secret through edited commercials weeks before its release it was finally revealed that World War Z was yet another end of the world zombie flick. In the movie Brad Pitt plays a United Nations employee trying to outrun and stop a traveling epidemic.
In our movie that epidemic would be none other than our good buddies the hypebeast. A lone Nike representative is in a race against time to figure out a cure for a disease called Hypereleasitis (please let that become a trending hashtag – Juan) that turns people into raging zombies bent on acquiring as many shoes as possible. Specifically some extremely limited Jordan 3s that are being released at week’s end.
3Lord of the Rings (2001)
Sneaker Flick Rename: Lord Of The Kings
In 2001, one of the most epic, long and boring (tell us how you really feel – Juan) movies came out and destroyed box office numbers starting a following of global proportions. Lord of the Rings was a movie about a magic ring that was lost and some how ended up in the hands of the most irrelevant guy in the kingdom. Just so happens he knows a wizard who assist him on a quest to, get this, go all the way across the world to a volcano to destroy it.
Awesome, right? Well let’s take it to the next level.
After an untimely and completely non-explanatory downfall, Jordan Brand is no longer the corporate shoe giant it is today (resist making joke that will anger #JDF – Juan). Instead, Lebron James shoes have now risen to the highest level of demand. 20 years later, the infamous South Beach (Pre-Heat) 8s are non-existent and rumored to be in production for a retro but are never released. That is until some kid ends up going home with the only sample accidentally lost in the factory and everyone is finding out.
Sneaker Flick Rename: Taken
Taken was a badass movie. It starts out pretty dry following family struggles off some old guy (Liam Neeson), who looks like he should be at a park feeding pigeons. That is until you realize he’s not just some old guy. He’s a retired CIA agent who not only used to kick ass but also has a lot left in the tank. ESPECIALLY, when you take something that belongs to him like let’s say, his daughter.
“I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t keep my Ray Allen 8s deadstock, I will find you and I will kill you.”
That’s how this movie will start for sneakerheads. Its really that simple. Don’t take what doesn’t belong to you. Someone took our protagonists’ grails and well, he’s not too happy about it. Cue music.
5The Hangover (2009)
Sneaker Flick Rename: The Hangover
This movie, the first at least, has to go down as one of the funniest movies of all time. What happens when a guy is getting married and decides to go to Vegas for one last hoorah with his two best buddies and his fiancés obviously mentally disabled younger brother? Well let’s just say what happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay there.
In our version, Alan would not only be crazy and rich but crazy and rich with other crazy and rich friends. Like who you ask? How about Kanye West. Yup. Alan would be friends with Kanye West, who would for reasons beyond my creativity entrust Alan with the ONLY sample of a new Yeezy colorway*. Alan would then wear these to Vegas only to lose the shoes instead of Doug and have to go through hell with the Wolfpack to get them back.
*Note: This was written before Kanye went Kanye on Nike
Sneaker Flick Rename: Doernbecher
Argo is supposedly based on a true story about a CIA agent who travel to Iran undercover as a movie producer to try to save U.S. hostages.
Our movie would be loosely based on this. A few years from now, after a massive outbreak of sickness in Portland a commemorative art piece via a pair of shoes is designed to raise money to find a cure for the new disease. The shoes are not just designed by anyone though, but collectively by all the greatest designers in the world who want to take part and help. What is created is the most iconic shoe ever created. Only one pair is made per size and they are all auctioned off for millions per pair. Fast forward. 10 years later, a 23 year old famous collector/thief learns about the shoe later a man decides to pose as a movie producer to go across seas and steal the only pair in his size that exist.
7Django Unchained (2012)
Sneaker Flick Rename: Premio Unchained
From the second I heard Jamie Foxx would be starring in a role as a renegade slave I knew Django was going to be an amazing movie. Everything about this movie reeks of the message it’s trying to send but at the same time is still very entertaining. Django is based on a slave who is freed from captivity by a German bounty hunter, who teaches him the ways of being a bounty hunter and then assists him in getting his wife back from a very bi-polar slave plantation owner.
I know what your thinking, touchy subject here right? Wrong. Here’s why…
What’s as bad as having your wife stolen and separated from you like Django? How about a guy not only robbing you for your only pair of decent shoes your struggling parents worked all year to get you for your graduation, but also lying and getting you arrested for trying to defend yourself and thrown in jail for 10 years for assault and supposed attempted murder. Yeah, pretty close, right? Eventually you get out and try to move on with your life but you’re broke, can’t get a job and everything sucks. Until one day you meet a guy who appreciates your kicks knowledge and offers you a job to assist him buying his son he never gets to see the right, most exclusive kicks. This causes you to get back into the sneaker game to catch up where you find out that not only is the guy that got you locked up now not only high up Nike executive but the grails he got you for have become so extremely rare, even a beat pair is worth a good ten grand. You and your new buddy plan to get your shoes back and get you back to the good life.
8Public Enemies (2009)
Sneaker Flick Rename: Public Enemies 2
Public Enemies was a great movie about American gangsters and robbing banks during the 1930s. Though the movie followed Baby Face Nelson and Pretty Boy Floyd, it was John Dillinger (Johnny Depp) that was the star of the film. The movie focused on his last few years of life, his love for robbing banks, a woman and an FBI agent tracking his every move.
Our movie would be a sequel. That’s right, this one is a sequel or more so an updated continuation. We would follow the last months of a couple of kids free days who not only idolize Dillinger but also want to use his methods to get what they want. This would come to reality when they discover the value of limited releases and go on a multi-city crime spree of robbing shoe stores and sneakerheads during big releases thus changing the shoe game forever.
9Fruitvale Station (2013)
Sneaker Flick Rename: Mercer Street
Fruitvale Station is another film on this list based on a true story. It’s about a young man caught up in street life who decides to do better only to run into everything good, bad and worst on the last day of 2008.
In our version, our protagonist would be a well-known neighborhood sneakerhead from the hood who uses his savings from the whole year to buy some rare kicks for his sick brother the last day before he moves out of his bad neighborhood closer to where his brother is being hospitalized. Unfortunately, has to make it home from uptown first and everyone knows exactly what’s in his bag.
1021 Jump Street (2012)
Sneaker Flick Rename: 23 Jumpman Street
What’s a list like this without a comedy? 21 Jump Street was a remake of the 1987-1991 TV series of the same name. The movie itself is based on the same plot. Young looking cops are sent to a school undercover to pose as students and infiltrate a drug ring.
Our version would be very similar. A young looking Jordan Brand representative is chosen to go back to high school to infiltrate and neutralize the production of very convincing B grade Jordan’s by students and how they are being circulated into the stores of a small town.